nero

Wow. Not nearly 80 minutes past on this name day and it's already surpassed every prior one in terms of feeling bad and/or sadness. In terms of finding out that there might be no implicit trust that your casual self is not one that gets himself into trouble even though empiric evidence and your current position in the world shows nothing else.

So this takes the cake. This being said, I'm left alone with my mortal enemies. The thoughts that haunt me - bank debt and not always making ends meet. Well... making it but only by increasing debt or (best case scenario) maintaining it constant. 

What numbers are we talking about? In theory moderate numbers, but if you take other factors into account there's an understandable emergent feeling of distress. Monthly mortgage aside, the numbers are 3.000 RON [bank no.1], 4.900 RON [bank no.2] and 700 RON to a friend.

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I was struck today and left wanting by words with heavy implications in an area that's very dear to me which mostly accounts for the feeling bad. It's a sensitive area and well... not feeling bad is as all else: if you want it done do it yourself. Never feed on others' trust. Sounds a bit more extreme than I mean it, then again it's not nice to feed on others period <- I did have better and more successful jokes about an hour ago.

So ignoring negative feelings related towards... 

anything, really - I'm still left with the financial thoughts. But not in a contemplative "let's think conceptually about being in debt" - too many variables, in a more realistic way spanning let's say two years. It's looking bleak though and I'm not doing this in writing, so 

Aaand getting back to the meta-"today" - I've always said I hate the name day and it's true I'm never sure on which day it is - the 8th or 9th of November. I always have to go back to remembering my father's birthday (Oct 9th) and figure out "it's the other one". I also feel kinda anxious - never sure whether to "do" something with it or just let it slide. But I should admit that deep down, intimately... it is a second birthday. It is, indeed, another one of the days in which I tend to feel good by default. Of course, a large part of that is due to my mum. I always feel her wishes on this day - quite a lot more than on my actual birthday, where they feel bland. Off-colour.

Should be noted I'm quite fond of the rule that applies to name-day: you don't invite people, they invite themselves. Still sad when none turn out, though. Not because no friend might care for you enough to come by, but just because maybe you did want to have a reason to see some friends.

Well...